Monday, November 25, 2013

The Ten Things They Don't Tell You About After Birth

The Ten Things They Don’t Tell You About After Birth


  1. Angry Aunt Flow
You will have the HEAVIEST, period you've ever had in your entire life.  I’m talking about huge maxi pads that you first started wearing in junior high when your Aunt Flow decided to introduce herself to your body.  You will bleed no matter how you deliver that bundle of joy of yours whether it be from a C-Section or Va-jay-jay, you will bleed.  There’s no way around it. Keep in mind that every woman is different, so yeah, the bleeding will vary.  A c-section birth might not bleed as much as a vaginal birth, but like I said, everyone is different.  The bleeding will last about 2-3 weeks, but for some it can be as long as 6 weeks…YIKES! So ladies, take advantage of the supplies the hospital gives you.  I’m talking giant maxi pads, disposable underwear, baby wipes, the whole nine yards that you will need to clean yourself with. I found that if you make friends with the nurse she’ll give you a good stock pile to bring home. When your period does return back to its normal cycle, it may come back with vengeance.  After not being allowed to make its monthly appearance for almost a year, it will be angry at you and heavy.


  1. Unfamiliar Territory
Your southern region may be a little scary looking.  Keep in mind you just pushed a small person out of there and it will be swollen for the first couple of days.  Lots of Motrin, or any other anti-inflammatory, to help keep the swelling down worked well for me! It will be sore and difficult to move the first day, but it does get easier.  Sits baths, ice packs, tucks pads, Perry bottle, use them all! They will help the healing process move along quicker and it will make you feel better.

  1. Stitched Up
If you do have an episiotomy, find out what degree it is.  They range from 1st degree to 4th degree, 4th being the most severe meaning that you either tore your premium during delivery from your va-jay to your butt, or they ended up having to slice you because the baby was that big. The more stitches, the more severe the episiotomy. Also, if you had an episiotomy, the stitches will itch when they are starting to heal, it’s not all that pleasant having the urge to scratch them 24/7. 

  1. Aches and Pains
You may have aches and pains.  Besides the obvious pain from delivering, your back may hurt and be sore for awhile.  You’re laying in a hospital bed for hours while in labor and your tailbone, lower back area sits right where the bed crease is, and moving the bed to a different angle doesn’t always help the situation.  You may feel uncomfortable afterwards for a few days or up to a couple of weeks.

  1. Thick Around The Edges
Your body DOES NOT bounce back right away.  You will still be fat.  You’ll feel skinny, but you will still be fat. You skin on your stomach will sag and hang down causing what looks to be a flap.  It’s not sexy, it’s ugly.  It may look wrinkled and lose, but have fun creeping your hubby out with it, by squishing it and playing with it.  It made my husband’s skin crawl.  

  1. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I’M NOT OVERREACTING!
Your emotions will be through the roof.  Your hormones are trying to get back to normal and for that to happen you may have a few speed bumps along the way.  This is a very important matter that you need to pay attention and you’re loved ones.  Speak up if you’re starting to feel depressed, angry, or if you have the urge to cry all the time.  Postpartum depression after pregnancy is real and it is scary.  You might not realize how bad you had it until you’re over it completely. If someone who loves you and cares about you tells you that you’re kind of acting crazy or of the like, listen to them for your sake and theirs.

  1. Milk and Cookies
Breastfeeding may be a challenge.  Again, this could cause you to become discourage or upset.  You have to learn how to do it, and your baby has to learn it as well.  Don’t pay attention to the volume you got when you’ve pumped at first.  You need to remember that the baby’s tummy is small and your body is catering to the needs of your baby and that the baby stimulates the breast milk better than what a pump does.  Once you’re over that hump, it comes natural to you. You’ll know when you need to either pump or feed because your boobs will feel and look MASSIVE!! I’m talking huge porn star boobs.  They look nice and they feel hard as a rock.

8. Swollen
Your swelling will get worse before it gets better.  You think to yourself that once you have the baby the swelling will go down in a day or two…WRONG! The swelling will go down in about a week.  You feet, ankles, legs will swell a bit more during labor and delivery and again after. Once the swelling starts going down you will feel it when you walk.  For me, the best way to describe it is Grandma Bingo wings on your calves.  I could feel them flapping or jiggling when I walked.


  1. #1 and #2
Yes, the glorious ventures of pooping and peeing postpartum.  When you pee after birth it will feel like you’re peeing bucketfuls at a time.  Your body is getting rid of the excess water that your body has retained during the past nine months.  It may last that way for a week-ish until you’re starting to pee normal amounts again. 

Pooping is a different matter. It is probably one of the scariest things you’ll have to do after you delivery your little bundle of joy.  Most hospitals don’t let you leave until you have a BM.  It will not be fun, it will be painful for some, it will be huge, it will be gross, and it will be glorious! Once you get it out, you’ll feel like a new woman ready to take on the world.

10. Bumps and Loses
You may have hair loss and break outs.  Yes you read that correctly, you may lose some hair.  You’ll still have a full head of hair, but you may be able to run your fingers through it and have a nice hairball the size of you palm in your hand.  Don’t freak out too much, its not forever.

You may or may not suffer from the hideous breakouts afterwards, but it can happen.  Just remember to keep your skin clean and SHOWER!! Yes, you’ll be busy and won’t realize that it’s Tuesday at 2:30 in the afternoon when you’re thinking its Sunday at 8AM. Make time to shower to help with the breakouts.

There you have it ladies, the wondrous after-effects of pregnancy. Keep in mind, not everyone will have the same effects as you.  A majority of the time, you won’t really pay attention to them nor will anyone else because they’re ooing and aahing over that bundle of joy you just brought into the world.  Don’t pay attention to the negative comments you hear from people, you just had a baby; they don’t know how strong of a woman you really are. 

Bonus!!! I found this one from another blog and almost died from laughter from it.  Enjoy!

You might hate your husband. I have two theories of nature. One, babies look like their fathers when they are born so the father is reassured that the baby is his and won't take off. Two, nature takes care of you not conceiving right after giving birth by making you want to punch in his face every time you see him. Again, it's probably hormone related. Again, this isn't always the case but I'm just warning you that you might stare at his peaceful sleeping face at 2am and wonder what the hell the point of him is and how can that son of a bitch just lie there sleeping like while you try to get your baby to sleep for the umpteenth time. You're not alone and a jury full of mothers with newborns wouldn't convict you if you bludgeoned him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around so take a deep breath and ignore the urge......for now.” Courtesy of Pregnant Chicken

  

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