A month ago today my husband and I found out that we were pregnant with our second child. Then a week later our world was flipped upside down. This is my story of my miscarriage.
April 8, 2014
A day that I will never forget. I learned I was pregnant with my second child.
Kingston was going to be a big brother. I’ll tell you, I was overjoyed that a second
baby was going to be joining us in a matter of a few short months and scared as
hell at the same time. Memories of the
pain from labor came flooding back since I had just done it 8 months ago. More fear rose in me because we had just
closed on our house the month before and we are in debt up to our ears with the
purchase and trying to establish a new budget on our incomes. Over all the fear and worrying about how we
were going to make this work financially I was jumping up and down on the inside and out with excitement. I took two more pregnancy tests to make
sure. I had taken a few a few days prior
with negative responses. We accepted it;
we were happy; our plan of expanding our family was right on schedule.
Over the next week we discussed ways of telling our family that we were pregnant. We talked about giving our family Easter cards with a picture of
Kingston telling them he was going to be a
big brother. Or before Easter dinner, I would say a prayer and add at the end, “…and
please Lord, bless this baby in my tummy?! Aaaammenn!” But in turn we decided
to have Easter eggs on everyone’s plate with goodies and inside I would put a
ribbon that says ‘It’s a Girl’ and ‘It’s a Boy’ inside each egg and let
everyone be surprised when they opened them.
April 16, 2014
I was working on the surprise Easter announcement in
Kingston’s play room as
he played happily on the floor. I was
stuffing the eggs and getting them ready for our Easter dinner. I got up and went to the restroom and notice
I had some light pink spotting when I wiped. Being through pregnancy once
before, I didn’t think too much of it. Light
spotting like this is normal. So I
informed my husband and he too didn’t seem too alarmed by it. I remembered what my doctor said to me the
first time this happened, so I went and got a giant glass of water and went a
put my feet up and relaxed.
As the night went on, I started to feel some cramping. Again, I thought to myself, I’m about 6 or 7 weeks in and this is when my cramping started when I was pregnant with
Kingston. But as the night progressed, the cramping
intensified. I got up and went to the
restroom again. My fear was growing as I
saw that I no longer had light pink spotting, but bright red blood and clotting
pass into the toilet and onto the paper.
Immediately, my worst fear had overcome me. I remember telling Grant and walking to our bed in a stoupper. I just laid there and prayed to God that this wasn’t the end. I asked him to make the bleeding stop and to let me carry this baby to term. Grant consoled me as tears ran down my face.
A short amount of time later, the pain was in full swing. I knew for sure that this was it for our sweet baby. I was contracting and bleeding more heavily as the pain only intensified. At this point, I had given up. I was angry with myself, my body, and God. I wanted this baby; I wanted
Kingston to be
a big brother. The pain had only gotten
worse, so I took a Percocet to help with the pain and lull me to sleep.
April 17, 2014
I woke the next morning and called my mom at work. I said, “Mom I started bleeding last night and I shouldn't be.” She said, “Well, when did your period end?” “Mom, that’s thing, my period shouldn’t even be here right now.” She immediately began apologizing and asking me how far along I was in the pregnancy and that this is just awful that I had to go through this. I told her I was going to call the doctor’s office and talk to them and see what they wanted me to do.
After they opened, I called and they ordered me to have blood work done to determine if I was having/or had a miscarriage. I already knew the answer to it. I held myself together and went and had my blood drawn. 2 hours later the nurse called me and told me that my hormone levels were only 4 and I had miscarried the night before. She was sweet and talked with a sincere voice. I sounded strong and felt strong physically and mentally. I had told myself I accepted it. That the baby was only about 6 or 7 weeks in and it would be easy for me to move on. The rest of the day I went about as usual. I took care of
Kingston, watched Grey’s
Anatomy, and continued on with my life.
April 18, 2014
The next I returned to work and just felt numb all the morning. When I got home shortly after noon, I just wanted to lie on the couch and not do anything. I remember starting to look at Pinterest and searched miscarriage. I read sweet poems that made me cry a little and I missed my baby more. Two of which made me break down completely.
The tears had started flowing and I couldn't stop. I was sobbing uncontrollably and asking and pleading with God to let me have my baby back. I just wanted to hold him or her, if not for forever just once in my arms and then He could have the baby back. By this time I was texting Grant begging him to come home and telling him that I wasn't fine. I needed him. I held up great the day before, but I couldn't bear it any longer. All my bottled up emotions burst out of me. Grant kept telling me that he couldn't leave work. I had to deal with my grief alone. I had Kingston home with me, but how could an 8 month old baby understand what I was going through? I was in for a big surprise.
I stripped him down and my self down and sat in the warm shower and cried holding my baby that I had with me here on Earth. We sat in the warm water and I told him that he is still a big brother, but his sibling was up in Heaven with Jesus and the angels. After telling him this, it's like Kingston understood my pain and why Mommy was crying. He let me hold him like a baby again, like I would when I cradled him near my chest when he was first born or when I was feeding him. And then his big, bright eyes lit up, gave me a sweet, sincere smile and put his hand on my face. At that moment I felt a weight lifted off me and the tears started to slow. We sat cuddled in the warm water for a few minutes more and then we got out, got dressed and went and played and watched Monster's University.
I was still sad when Grant finally got home shortly after 5. He was apologetic for not being able to leave work. He understood that I needed him and that I was having my break down. But looking back on it now, in a way, I'm okay with the fact that he didn't come home when I was begging him to. That moment of holding Kingston in the shower came to me as I believe to be an answered prayer from God. I wanted to hold my baby that was taken too soon and he let me.
I haven't told any one yet of what I experienced. I told Grant that Kingston laid still for a bit to let me hold him like I did when he was a tiny baby, but that's it.
That evening Grant and I were talking about why I might have miscarried. Something was wrong with the egg or the sperm. Maybe the egg didn't implant how it should have. I learned that 1 in every 4 women loses a baby to miscarriage. I'm now part of the statistic.
I told him that I wanted to name our little angel. I didn't want to refer to the baby as "it" or "the baby". So we choose a gender neutral name and decided on Harper. I think about Harper every day and how big my baby bump would be today if he/she was still in my tummy. December 9th was my expected due date. That day will be hard, but we'll get through it.
With Mother's Day on Sunday, I'm excited to celebrate it really for the first time. Grant gave me a card last year, but I was still only pregnant with Kingston, this year it will be different. My family will thank me for being a wife to Grant and mother to a sweet little boy, but I wonder if any one will remember, and take into consideration, that I'm not just a mother to a Sunshine baby, but I'm a mother to an Angel baby as well?
I have faith that one day, God will allow me to carry a baby or two again to term and Grant and I will have our Rainbow Baby and Kingston will be a big brother that can tell his siblings here on Earth about Harper.
So this Mother's Day, thank your moms, grandmothers, aunts, sisters or cousins for being such a great mother to their child. Say a prayer for those babies up in heaven who have gone home too soon and remember what the day is about.
To all those moms out there that are celebrating Mother's Day to either a Sunshine Baby, an Angel Baby, a Rainbow Baby, or even a mother to a pet...Happy Mother's Day.